"Hear me, O coitus, thou art like this boggling simile!"--Shakespeare.

I'll be frank with you. For many men, the sex-act is a time of embarrassment, sorrow, and, eventually, devil-worship--because for them, the penis is a geyser of horror, gushing out its unseemly contents, like clockwork, every two minutes--while the surrounding woman is your proverbial national park: vast, empty, mysterious, and visited.

Luckily, I've discovered that sexual performance anxiety can be 100% cured by not having sex at all. Here are the techniques I've developed to keep sex--and spurting venereal shame--from ever happening again.

Think About Baseball

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Lasorda, with Alston, sans sex. This time-tested technique for delaying the male orgasm can also be used to completely prevent it.   For instance, Dodger's manager Tommy Lasorda is a big-time sex preventor. Here, instead of making love, he and another man, Walter Alston, are deciding whether a third man, Jesse Orosco, should come in to pitch. In this scenario, no one is worried about pleasure.

Role-Play

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While many couples use role-playing to add zest to their sex life, I use it to subtract existence from mine. I find that Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, in particular the Gelfling RavenQuest adventure, works best.

Ragbar Cutpurse:

Strength 11 Intelligence 10 Dexterity 17 Constitution 12 Sex 0

I've got this sweet guy, Ragbar Cutpurse, who, beyond all doubt, is the most legendary thief in all the Realm of RavenQuest. Ragbar is a 5th-level acrobat, but because of his Ring of Incredible Combat, which he never removes, he fights as an 11th-level fighter. Ragbar's stronghold, on the outskirts of the Fire Plane, is garrisoned by 13 henchmen, each equipped with a two-handed sword and +1 Dwarven chain mail.

Any intruder has a 20% chance of encountering 1-6 henchman for every 100' of travel inside its walls. If such a patrol is encountered, it is 35% likely that Tyranthraxus, Ragbar's man-at-arms, will be with them. Every door in the stronghold is sealed with Wizard Lock and has a 42% chance of springing a Fireball trap if opened by someone other than me. Ragbar's stronghold also has an Enchanted Aura which has the effect of a 4th level Confusion spell on all evil humanoids within 60'. When fighting inside the stronghold, Ragbar gets a +2 to hit/damage and my henchmen fight with +3 morale.

Flex Your Sex Muscles

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There are certain muscles in the male body, which, if clenched at the appropriate moment, can instantly preclude sex. This is a fantastic technique for those times--say there has been a language barrier--when you find yourself on the brink of coitus.

The Logarithm Method

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Mathematics is the science of avoiding intercourse with women.Since math provides the theoretical underpinnings for every technique described in this guide, as our final example, I'd like to give you a taste of what abstract, higher sex-prevention is all about.

The Galois Theorem
Suppose that SEX is not masturbation. Then lognSEX=0; where n is anything.
The consequences of the Galois Theorem are indeed remarkable! According to the theorem, sex with any number of women can be reduced to zero simply by calculating logarithms in their presence. Ergo, the perfectly sex-free existence that men like me have dreamed about is, in fact, theoretically possible.

Here I am with an elegant
proof of the theorem:

Troubleshooting

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Problem: I'm having trouble shooting.
Solution: Exactly.

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