NutFarious
Candy is Perfect Blend of Peanuts 'n' Evil
by InkCreate's Christian Rudder
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Yonkers--Looking to
gain a foothold in the red-hot "menacing treats"
market, Reese's introduced its newest candy bar, the NutFarious,
at yesterday's shareholder meeting. According to a company
spokesman, in addition to "bursting with crunchy nuts
and creamy nougat," each bar will be at least 15% nefarious
and will be covered in chocolate "as dark as evil itself."
Industry analysts applauded Reese's newest product and noted
that NutFarious will provide a "more conniving alternative"
to Hershey's foil-wrapped "Fists" and Mars' "Whatcha-ma-lookin'-at"
bar, the current market leaders.
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Swept up in the excitement
surrounding their newest candy, Reese's executives could only
rub their hands together and whisper "Yessssssssss. Yessssssssss,"
at NutFarious' unveiling, but in a later appearance, company CEO,
Julio Imbrulio, predicted great things for the bar. He pointed
out that in preliminary taste- tests, consumers have preferred
the NutFarious nearly 2 to 1 to more traditional sources of evil,
such as DDT and hatchets, and studies have shown that the bar
is much better for "holding villains over 'til dinner."
According to a Reese's press release, NutFarious was formulated
to "feed this country's growing under-belly," and the
new bar is intended to replace Reese's last candy release, 1993's
NutRageous, whose sales have declined as Americans have become much
less wacky in recent years. In limited market tests, NutFarious
has performed especially well with phone companies and certain cats.
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