STOP
TRYING TO BE MY FRIEND 
InkCreate's Jeff Weiser
responds to your miserable attempts not to hate him.
Jeff Weiser already has friends.
Overwhelmed
by the futility of public dissent on an Internet site under my control;
cowed by the sheer resilience of my oversized ego; and frightened
by my overuse of the semicolon, InkCreates's readership has extended
the proverbial olive branch in the form of fanmail by the thousands.
Although it's far too late to ingratiate yourself to me, I must
admit I'm slightly flattered by the compliments on my grammatical
acumen. Nonetheless, please don't try to be my friend.
SECTION 1: ALTERNATIVE
CREDIBILITY
LETTER:
---------
Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 13:30:45 EST
From: board4lyfe@qtt.net.com
To: jeff@staff.inkcreate.netfirms.com
Subject: Hey Jeff
I tell you
what, Jeff, you're one funny son of a gun. I refrain from using
any vulgar language bcause I want you to know that there are still
kids out here (I'm 16) in America who do have a clue. I was reading
your responses to the letters regarding your reviews of Third Eye
Blind, Eve 6, etc. The sad people who write those letters need to
learn to accept others' opinions and assert their own. By the way,
I totally agree, those bands have almost no originality. These days,
all the new music sounds the same (except for the few actual muscians
out there such as Dave Matthews, Jewel, and a few others).
Oh, in case
you post this on the InkCreate, I want anyone who reads this to
know that I am not some goody-goody writing this letter. I am a
skater, and a snowboarder, and a drummer in a punk/rock/jazz/blues
band. People say that I am "alternative" and "dress
"like a skater," but don't let it fool you, I'm no doped
up dumb skater. If any of you pitiful fools who wrote those letters
reads this, just know that you all need to get a life and stop whining
to people about how someone put down your bad music. . .then grab
a Tommy Dorsey Orchestra, Pink Floyd, or NOFX cd and learn what
good music really is.
Later,
Carl
RESPONSE:
Dear Carl,
Congratulations!
It sounds like you are indeed very alternative. That's wonderful.
We are confident that your façade of deviance and social
dissent reflects deep-seated intellectual and philosophical uniqueness.
Since these
probably aren't the very qualities you're most likely to outgrow
in early adulthood, but rather indelible marks of your true character,
you can look forward to a bright career as an outside-the-box advertising
executive or an Internet baron with the attendant six-figure salary.
Fondly,
Jeff Weiser
InkCreate Mail Correspondent
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