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I know that, previously, I've been a world leader in sex prevention. But now that I'm 25, it's time I settle down from that high-flying life. I will now solve the time-honored problem of how to score.

You'll find my proposed methodology, below. In the spirit of scientific camaraderie, I ask you to perform experiments of your own and aid my research. I have not yet had success with human subjects, though tests with mice have been quite encouraging.

The Setting
Like any experiment, date-to-mate alchemy is greatly helped by the right environment. You should choose a spot where you and your girl (or guy) can comfortably get to know each other, ideally some place casual and not too noisy. Try a totalitarian futurescape. The relaxed dress code:

will set you both at ease. And if you get there after the plague/nuclear war/haywire mega-computer shit goes down (usually after 9pm), there'll be plenty of cozy quiet time for you two to flirt and, if all goes well, repopulate the earth in your image.

The Conversation
If you think of a date as a journey, then the girl is a house way up on the hill. You'd like to enter this house because it is warm and might provide shelter from other houses who are stalking the earth looking for your blood. But the road leading up to it is confusing and fraught with danger!
Luckily, conversation is a pair of magical shoes for navigating the treacherous terrain. If you don them and run around, you'll end up in the house for sure. They look like this:

"Converse Metaforce"

As you've no doubt heard, the most important part of being a good conversationalist is asking lots questions. It's important to keep them open-ended, not just yes or no, so your date will have an opportunity to let her personality shine through.

My own research had yielded these instructive examples:

WRONG: "You know what would really turn me on...you, turning me on. Got it?"
RIGHT: "You know what would really turn me on...you, turning me on. Wassup?"

Also, when you're talking, be careful not to come across like a macho Alpha Male type who's looking to spread his genes all in people's pools. That's a big turn-off for most girls, so don't be afraid to show your vulnerable side. My preferred method is to act like a Beta Male--a buggy stand-in for myself until the real me gets released.

operating system: smooth

Unfortunately, precious release is thus far unachieved.

Body Language, For When Your Mouth Is Full
First of all, you must make eye contact. If she has a glass eye, it's over right there.

"dude, they were totally real"

Also, the physical distance you maintain between you and your date conveys a powerful non-verbal message. On the one hand, if you keep away, she'll think you're not interested. On the other, if you get too close, she'll worry you might try some shit. Think of yourself as the Death Star. Only from the right distance will you seem like a gentle moon.

Find your date's comfort level and respect it, as shown below.

view this short film with realplayer

Finally, "closed" body language, like crossing your arms, subconsciously sends the message that you have something to hide--possibly a devious third arm. So make sure to maintain an "open" posture with your date to show her she has no third limbs to fear. Example:

"ah, only two legs"

Moving on.

Be Gentlemanly
Old-fashioned courtship is a thing of the past, but, even now, judicious deployment of a traditional gesture or two will make your date feel special.

For instance, holding the door for her will score big points. As with all of nature's creatures, the way you treat doors gives your girl a good idea about how you'll treat her. To send the right message, hold all doors for at least ten minutes after intercourse.

Also, despite advances in technologies like feminism, the cold truth of dating is that you must pick up the tab. Women earn less than men for the same work, so men must pay more for the same meal. You'll look like a cheapskate if you don't offer to pay.

She'll think it's chivalrous of you to extend that concept. Offer also to pay for her body, and make sure to tip generously.

"enlarged to show failure"

If she can't break a twenty, see if she has change for your face.

Finally
Whatever you do, don't pressure her to sleep with you. That's an absolutely steadfast rule. You'll probably have more success just, you know, charming her into it.

"going down, on each other, in flames"

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