Body-Shaping With Christian
by Christian Rudder, certifiable physical trainer

We all have our hang ups. For this little girl, it's her petite build. For me, it's other people's health.
Thus, I give you BODY-SHAPING WITH CHRISTIAN. Follow my program of mental toughness, proper diet, and regular exercise, and you, too, will soon have a body like a God. *

1. Proper Attitude
Any physical improvement program is at least fifty percent mental. That's why retards and tiny babies are often so out-of-shape.

Above all, you must have a positive self-image. Here's mine:

Notice that my girlfriend is really hot, she never wears a bra, and I'm very, very close to the moon. In fact, my life will be perfect as soon as Devil-ra and her ghoulish minions taste my blade. The power of a positive mental attitude knows no bounds.

However, it's essential to be realistic about your expectations. Notice that every muscle in my mental picture is anatomically accurate and that the folds in the leather of my battle-boots are very true-to-life. If I actually were a barbarian, I would look exactly like this. You wish you were this honest with yourself.

Finally, before ever stepping into the gym, you must recognize the inherent worth of your own body. Without that, you're bound for disappointment, or worse. I'm reminded of one of my former clients, a young lion-headed gorilla-man:

"Cedric"

Never satisfied with the body he was born with, he grew to enormous size and lugged around a mace, until he died of malnutrition.

2. Proper Diet
A healthful diet is a cornerstone of any fitness or wellness program. Despite all the wild theories and fad diets you hear about, good nutrition boils down to this basic truth: you are what you eat, until something eats you, and then that thing becomes you, and you are totally fucked.

Therefore, eating smart is as simple as avoiding sharks. Do so with firm resolve, especially at parties.

"no thank you, I'm trying to keep my figure."

In cases where that is not enough, I recommend eating slowly, very slowly.

3. Exercise
Once you've established good eating habits, it's time to exercise.

Always stretch beforehand, with particular emphasis on stretching the truth. Especially for beginners, this is often the only way to keep from getting hurt. Start out slowly with these simple moves, and then push it further.

"I will move this wall."

"This scale is probably broken."

"I'm a pretty good dancer."

"I'm not over-weight for some who's 6'10", and that's how tall I am now, 6'10"."

"Why worry?I'm in the best shape of my life! Pass me a beer."

Soon you'll be convinced you have the body you've always wanted. *

Remember, if you're working out with a loved one, you must make sure to stretch the truth thoroughly.

correct: "What a butt!"

incorrect: "What a fat butt!"

Done correctly, this stretch works the lower factoid and the gluteal

Once you're loose, there are two general kinds of exercise: resistance training, which builds muscle strength, and cardio-vascular conditioning, which prepares you for a heart attack. We'll start with a discussion of the former.

Resistance Training
Training with the resistance is a great way to tone and sculpt your major muscle and fringe groups.

"Bay of Pigs? Not with these guns."

Resistance training is also a fun way to lose those extra pounds. For example, there are over 350 calories in a typical village.

"burn them"
It's essential to find a good program and stick with it for the long haul. All too often, a person will get excited about something new and jump in with both feet, only to see his commitment wane after a few months. A sham trial follows, and he is shot.

My best advice for newcomers to resistance training is to start with a tried and true regiment, like Jane Fonda's Viet Cong, the precursor to today's Tae Bo.

Anyhow, be advised that there are a few drawbacks to resistance training. It's an equipment-intensive way to get in shape, requiring the third-world and as many good rifles as you can find. Also, many gyms require an ideology, which can strain your back.

Cardio-Vascular Conditioning
Cardio-vascular conditioning is defined as any vigorous, sustained exercise -- such as aerobics or jogging -- which increases heart-rate, body temperature, and lung intake in order to simulate the experience of having a heart attack.

For those with high risk factors, a high-energy workout is the best way to get used to the feeling of dying. As such, it is an indispensable part of any fitness program, because when the real thing comes, you'll have the presence of mind to say something cryptic.

"1, 2, the horror, the horror"

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